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MLB Gives Kerry Wood The Thumbs Up To Install A Cybernetic Arm

12th June, 2006 - 3:29 am

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By Buster Gunning

Kerry Wood has been given the go-ahead by Commissioner Bud Selig to replace his current pitching arm with a robotic one designed at Skynet Corporation.

His brilliant career has been injury plagued season after season. Boasting one of the strongest arms in Major League Baseball, Cubs’ fireballer Kerry Wood also boasts one of the most oft-injured throwing arms in the League that does not compliment his intense fastball. Close to just calling it over, Wood and the Cubs made their case to MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow the still-young pitcher to install a robotic arm. The Commissioner obliged and Wood’s arm is slated to be ready for the 2007 baseball season.

“We considered a few different options in the beginning.” Explained Wood. “I was all for keeping my pitching arm and adding a third robotic arm at my sternum. This way, I could just use the robo-arm when my real arm was sore or fully out of commission. Also, if we took this route, it wouldn’t really be cheating. This idea was shot down by Bud, who kept insisting it was all or nothing.”

Selig was very enthused about the whole idea of replacing Wood’s arm with a hydraulic one.

“Kerry Wood is one of our more exciting athletes making him a big draw in any town he visits. With this new robot arm, Wood will be allowed to continue his career unabated by injury and as an added bonus, pitch more games per season than any other pitcher.”

When concerns were raised about the capabilities of the new arm, Selig acknowledged it would be strange at first, but assured critics that the MLB was taking caution.

“We will place a regulator on Wood’s new arm that limits his fastball to no more than 120 m.p.h. Also, Wood will only be allowed to pitch in 60 games per season. This way it is fair for everyone.”

Wood was fine with the stipulations, however he still seemed a bit put out regarding his not being able to keep his pitching arm.

“I don’t see what is wrong with me keeping my arm, I mean, what is the difference? This is all very confusing if you ask me.”

As part of the agreement, Selig will get to keep Wood’s arm and be its rightful owner.

Buster Gunning is currently exploring himself and Ireland, email him at: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.

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